What do you do when...

[BubbleBuddy]

an abusive man is legally given custody of child victims?

Women and children are ignored in favor of a man with money, that is the bottom line. Thanks to fathers rights groups and smear campaigns against mothers who accuse fathers of abuse, most men who file for custody eventually get it, even when the mother and children obviously fear him due to years of abuse. Courts retraumatize survivors of sexual abuse, like myself, over and over. Control over victims and reduction of child support are clearly the motives of men like the one who did this to me and my children.

My children are being held hostage by a controlling man. My son is so upset I fear what he might do to himself. My children are older and I will be able to bring them home, but there are much worse cases than mine. Moms have had their precious children raped and even murdered.

I'm not trying to condemn resposible fathers, but I've found that most fathers who are loving and not controlling don't have to take the mother to court repeatedly.

[DodiaFae]

I'm very sorry for the situation that you and your children are in. I hope it works out for the best for your children very soon.

I do feel I need to comment on some of your points, though...
"I'm not trying to condemn resposible fathers, but I've found that most fathers who are loving and not controlling don't have to take the mother to court repeatedly."

Any truly responsible father is going to want to spend time with his children. If the mother is fighting him on that, he has a responsibility to fight back, in court if necessary. If he has been a good father, then his child(ren) need him, and the mother hasn't got the right to deny them seeing him.

While I do know that there are some awful fathers out there who fight for custody (in some cases, merely to spite the mother or to avoid paying support, but in some cases because he's a control freak, or even abusive), there are as many mothers out there who do exactly the same thing, and for the same reasons. I do not want anyone thinking that this is only a problem inflicted on mothers, because it happens to fathers, too.

I apologize if it seems I'm disagreeing with you at every turn, but I do not wish anyone to be under the impression that PACA's stance on this is that mothers are better than fathers in general, or that only fathers are abusive. All one has to do is keep an eye on the news stories show up on the RSS feed on the main page to see that there are some terrible mothers in this world. And there are some fantastic fathers, too. My husband was a wonderful "stay-at-home-dad" for the few months I worked after our son was born before I was laid off from work. If (gods forbid) we ever split, I couldn't possibly deny him the right to see his children (or my children the right to see their father). But there are some very selfish mothers (and fathers) out there who wouldn't give a second thought to their child's need to see their daddy, let alone to the needs of the other parent to see their child.

While I think it is an important subject, and an important point to make that many mothers suffer in this way, I think it is equally important not to make it seem that only mothers suffer in this way.

Blessings,
~ DodiaFae

[BubbleBuddy]

It does hurt to come to a group for support and be met with almost the same sort of disbelief that caused a judge to ignore my children's wishes. I searched my heart long and hard before defending custody. I believe my children and side with them. I'm not the perfect mom, but I'm not trying to harm my children's relationship with their father. He is doing that all by himself. My lawyer asked my ex if he had any complaints against me about visitation and he said no. I have been nothing but fair and given him time he wasn't legally entitled to, including a couple of mother's day weekends for his wife, just to avoid fighting. I offered mediation. I offered to work out more visitation time for him as much as possible within the constraints of him living a fair distance away.

I do not deny that there are some really horrible abusive women, and a few moms who fight to keep a child away from a safe and loving father. My personal belief is that these women are not the majority of moms losing custody battles. It is one thing for a father to do all he can legally to maintain his visitation rights. It is quite another to demand sole custody and take older children from their current home and community against their will. The thing is nobody is going to check in and see if my kids are doing well with this upheaval in their lives. It is up to me to hire an attorney, regardless of my financial means to do so. I can't even get the children seen by a counselor without a court order (unless there is threat of suicide and it's an emergency).

[DodiaFae]

BB, you misunderstand the reason for my response. I do not say anywhere that I disbelieve you. My only wish is that the good dads, who may be going through the very same thing you're going through (it does happen), not feel alienated by anything found here on PACA. They may need just as much help as any other parent embroiled in a custody battle.

I actually lived with a man for 2&1/2 years who's son's mother did everything she could to only allow him visitation when it was convenient for her (ie, when she had a party to go to that weekend, wanted to go away for a weekend, etc.) He was no prize dad, but she was definitely not a fit mother, either. But there are many really good dads out there who have to fight tooth and nail for a few hours with their children, and that isn't right, either.

I'm not saying that you're lying, or that I don't believe you. My concern, the reason for my responses, is that the way in which your posts have been worded does alienate those good dads. I see your story as being completely separate from my concern about the wording of the posts. Anyone reading the posts, as written, would think that you're saying that all moms should be believed above the dads. My point is that neither should be believed above the other without thorough investigation into the matter, because it could truly go either way.

I understand why you're taking it personally, but my comments are not to belittle your situation. They are so that the situations that others might be in are not belittled, that others who may be helped by your experiences (fathers included, but most especially the children involved) do not miss out on that help because they feel alienated by the tone of the discussion.

[BubbleBuddy]

Good dads have FEDERALLY FUNDED groups to help them. They can pay professionals to defend their side of the story. Until mothers have the same, children will suffer abuse.

[DodiaFae]

Perhaps you could list some of those federally funded groups? There are a lot of good dads out there that don't know about them and could really use the help.

Have you considered starting a non-profit group geared towards getting mothers the legal and other help that they need? It is important for those mothers who are stay-at-home mothers to be able to afford good legal help, because they haven't been the primary bread-winners. You could take courses in grant-writing and get federal funding, and possibly even corporate funding, or you could hire a good grant-writer. Having worked for a non-profit, the advice I always give to people who are considering hiring a grant-writer is not to pay them a fixed rate. Always pay them a percentage of the grants that they get for your organization. These terms will be acceptable to a good grantwriter because they have a better chance of getting you funding. If you pay them a fixed rate, they get that for each grant proposal they write, whether or not you get the funding as a result.

Either way, you would need a 501c-3 to get started. I know they're not difficult in most areas, but the government (both federal and state), companies, and other organizations will need a copy of it (along with a grant proposal) in order to be able to contribute to your organization.

Having been both the primary bread-winner for my family and a stay-at-home mom, I can understand the difficulties that a stay-at-home parent would face in a separation or divorce. Of course, when I was working and my husband was the primary care-giver of our son, he would have faced similar difficulties. Did you know that there are an increasing number of stay-at-home dads? Sometimes the mother's earning potential is greater than the father's, and that is the reason for the decision to "switch roles", as was the case for my husband and I.

Taking actions to correct the injustices that you see and to bring a little equilibrium where you see imbalance is far more effective than alienating those who may have exactly the same problem as you do because of their gender or any other reason. There are a lot of people that could benefit from your experience... both mothers and fathers that have been (or are) in the same situation.

[BubbleBuddy]

I most certainly will not post links to fathers rights groups because they are hate groups. If someone needs one, they can google father's rights with their state if applicable and get group and supporting attorney info. Just try to do the same with mother's rights. Blogs and articles is all you get, no actual attorney pages or actively funded groups. Here is one such example of really extreme hatred towards mothers:

http://www.innocentdads.org/womenstactics.htm

I have thought about a nonprofit and I have a friend who is experienced in grant writing. When I have funds to get started and my own case settles (I put my name on a grant and mother's rights stuff gets tied to me it looks more like I am trying to alienate my children from their father) I fully intend on it.

I'm a writer, a work at home mom, and there may come a time in the near future that my income exceeds my ex's. I was the primary breadwinner when I was single and for a brief time when my husband lost a job and had a long bout of pneumonia. This isn't just an issue for those who stay at home. I've heard of lawyers asking mothers for as much as $12,000 up front for complicated cases.

[BubbleBuddy]

Oh and before you say I'm hating too I want to make it clear that I hate the behavior and not any person or group. My ex can be this wonderful creative and even loving guy when he isn't trying to control. My husband is a great father and caring stepfather. My son is growing all too quickly into a creative and compassionate young man.

[BubbleBuddy]

I honestly believe that had my ex chosen a less agressive attorney he might have been convinced to mediate and saved everyone a lot of heartache, especially the children. I discussed mediation with three attorneys including two who specialize in mediation and they all refused.

[DodiaFae]

I realize it's a difficult thing to do when you're in a difficult situation yourself, or when you've been in a difficult situation, but projecting your experiences onto others isn't helping them at all. It most certainly isn't going to help the children involved. We've all been guilty of this at one time or another.

You or I have absolutely no way of knowing what the situations of others involve because we're not dealing with them directly ourselves. In many of the cases you spoke of (in your blog post about not looking for missing children, for example) you have absolutely no information to go on other than that the child was taken by the mother. You can only guess at her reasons for it, but you could very well be wrong.

The best, the most effective way to help others who might be in a similar situation as you is to look at it from a logical standpoint. No one can do that when they're looking at it as a mirror image of their own situation, and so they have to disassociate themselves from the situations of others. This can be particularly difficult for those of us who are ultra-sensitive.

Again, I am not questioning the truth of your situation, but I do have trouble viewing your situation as "typical" because I've personally seen enough of many different scenarios to know that it's not "typical". I simply can not assume that every mother who has taken their child has done so because of an abusive situation. I have seen cases of that, and in fact a dear friend of mine experienced that, but she managed it through legal channels once she was away and it worked out. Everyone was on her side.

Perhaps some would say she was just lucky. However, while she was going through her legal battles and getting back on her own feet she became acquainted with some pretty awful mothers who had people from various organizations, including state organizations, bending over backwards to help them. Their children may have been better off with others... maybe not their fathers, but they would probably have been better off being raised by someone more responsible than what they were stuck with.

I've seen too many "bad mothers" to believe that all mothers who illegally take their children have their child's best interests at heart, or that they were left with no other alternative. Same goes for fathers who illegally take their children. I do believe that some of those mothers (and fathers) are only trying to protect their children and have explored every other option available to them, but that all of them have done this? I would need proof that such cases were the majority in order to believe that they are not in the minority.