Why NOT to tell your kids not to talk to strangers...

[DodiaFae]

Hi All,

My sister recommended a book to me called "Protecting the Gift: Keeping Children and Teenagers Safe (and Parents Sane)." by Gavin de Becker. She sent me link to an excerpt from Chapter Five ("Talk to Strangers") Here is an interesting excerpt:

Children are taught The Rule when young, but the very week it’s handed down, they see their parents violate it over and over. And they are themselves encouraged to violate it: "Say hello to the nice lady," "Answer the man’s question," "Tell Mr. Evans your name." What children actually learn is: Never talk to strangers unless they are wearing a clown suit or a uniform, or they work at the bank, or they’re registering us to vote, or they’re seeking signatures on a petition, or they’re handing out tasty samples, or they’re nice.

Never Talk to Strangers, it turns out, isn’t a rule after all, but a highly flexible and incomprehensible concept that only Mom and Dad really understand – if even they do.

The idea is that whatever we teach our kids, we must lead by example. And in the case of not talking to strangers, this is impossible. Not to mention the fact that most abusers are known to their victims and their families.

Another important thing to consider is that if your child is ever separated from you in a mall (yes, this is possible, even with the most vigilant parents) they may have to rely on strangers. I worked in retail in a mall in college, and there were several occasions when I had to leave the store to help a small child in the middle of the mall, lost and crying for their mommy. I always brought them to the customer service desk as opposed to the security guard booth.

One thing I want to point out is that no one else stopped to help these children, and when I did, no one around the child batted an eyelash or gave a second glance. Now, if any of those children had listened that that rule, who knows what would have happened. Of course, that could go either way... what if the wrong person stopped to "help" them(selves)? These small children, lost and afraid and crying, would not be able to defend themselves against a predator who is much larger than them. But maybe their mother would have realized that their child had wandered off, and gone back and found them. Maybe she wouldn't.

de Becker stresses in his book that we absolutely can not put any of the responsibility for protecting our children on our children. They are not equipped to handle this task. Women and children are raped every day by sexual predators. There is no way that we can expect our children to be able to defend themselves against someone that a grown woman would have a hard time defending herself against. Just think about the difference in size and strength of the average 13 year old and the average 37 year old. Another excerpt from the link above:

Until a child is old enough to understand what predatory strategies look like, old enough and confident enough to resist them, assertive enough to seek help, powerful enough to enforce the word No – until all that happens, a child is too young to be his own protector, too young to merit any of your reliance, too young to be part of the defense system, period.

While we absolutely should educate them of the dangers and how to avoid them, we can not expect them to "take care of themselves". The very idea that a child can protect themselves from a predator is right up there with leaving a 5 year old in charge of the younger kids while you go out. Would anyone hire a 5 year old babysitter? I don't think so, and anyone leaving a 5 year old home alone is likely to have that child removed from their care for neglect. So, expecting your child to take any responsibility for protecting themselves from predators is like that, neglect. The stakes are just too high, and the price you may end up paying is unimaginable.

Since we're on the subject of children in malls, etc., I would also like to mention a couple of other safety tips that have been passed on to me. One is NOT to tell your child to look for a police officer if they are separated from you. The reason is that, to the average 5 year old, a police uniform and a security guard uniform look pretty much the same. After all, they can't really see much of the detail above the pants, and both tend to have that blue stripe down each leg, and they both often wear with shirts with a patch stitched onto the sleeve. There is a mall near where I live, where the security guard uniforms look like those of state troopers, right up to the hats!

You don't want your child looking to security officers. While the majority would most likely be helpful, a surprising number of "cop wannabees" get into security work, because they failed the psychological exams required to get into police work. This information I got from people I've known who worked in security. When you take into consideration that a mall security guard would have as much access to children as someone working at a Chuck E Cheese (many malls have play areas in the food court, an arcade, etc.) and that they would have an intimate knowledge of where the cameras in the mall can "see", and which places are private, it's a perfect job for a predator to have. Please note that I am absolutely NOT saying that all mall security guards are pedophiles. But I do want to remind everyone that pedophiles DO look for jobs that will give them access to children, or where they can watch children. And do you really want to take that chance?

So, who do you tell your child to look to for help if they get separated from you? Tell them to look for the mother who has children with her, especially if she has an infant. A mother is more likely to be sympathetic to the plight of a lost child and do what she can to help.

I want to also mention that Gavin de Becker wrote a book called "The Gift of Fear and Other Survival Signals That Protect Us From Violence", which is more geared towards adults. I highly recommend this book, because it will teach you to listen to your intuition again.

The sad truth is that most people don't listen "that little voice" inside, they dampen their instincts, and this puts them in danger. Some of us get lucky and we relearn to listen to this voice. But most of us don't. And then we teach our children not to listen to theirs.

We tell them to be polite, we tell them to do as they're told, and we tell them to mind their elders. We set all these rules for them which forces them to ignore their feelings. If they don't like someone, or if someone makes them feel uncomfortable, these rules force them to ignore that in favor of "being polite" or "being a good boy (or girl)". This is putting them in a very vulnerable place, setting them up to be prime targets for "grooming".

If your child is uncomfortable around someone, listen to them. Don't make them be nice in order to save that person's feelings. You are responsible for your child's feelings first, and if that person means no harm, they will understand. They can take care of their own feelings, but your child looks to you for reassurance. Give it to them. Let them know that their feelings matter to you. They need this in order to grow into confident adults.

Please check out the link above. The information there makes a lot of sense.

Bright Blessings,
~ DodiaFae