Child Predators and Single Mothers

[DodiaFae]

This is something I've been wanting to post about for quite some time. A couple of people have voiced a concern regarding the information that some people are all to willing to post online these days, and it's been a concern of mine as well.

We've talked about child abuse, and Evie has been kind enough to start posting articles on child grooming here. But one thing that hasn't come up all that much is the grooming of parents. Yes, predators will groom parents, as well.

In particular, I'd like to talk about single mothers and what draws predators to them.

Being a single parent can be incredibly difficult. Thankfully, I don't know this first hand, but I've known enough single mothers to have an understanding of the difficulties faced by them. It's so difficult when you have to be both the mother and the father to even one child, let alone to multiple children. You have to make sure they get off to school or daycare each day so that you can work to keep a roof over their head, keep food on the table, and keep them clothed. You have to cook meals, drive them to events, appointments, etc. You have to arrange for after care so that you can work a full day. Also there is the loneliness of being a single parent. It's hard to meet others when you're doing all that. Hell, it's hard to even make time for yourself. And sometimes, the sheer exhaustion, coupled with the loneliness and being overwhelmed with life and everything can make it a little more difficult hear that little voice in your head.

But one thing that many single parents don't understand is that this is just the type of situation that predators will look for. Predators will troll message boards, chat rooms, networks, etc., looking for an easy target. But they're not always looking directly for a child. Often times, they'll be looking for the parent of a child of their preferred sex and about the age range they prefer. And using information they gather on that person, they will then very methodically work their way into that person's life.

A predator might read your profile online, for example, which says that you're a single mother living in such&such, NC, or wherever, and that you have two beautiful daughters (ages 5 and 7). Hmmm... that's slightly younger than his AoA (Age of Attraction, the age or age range that pedophiles are attracted to), but no matter. That will give him time to gain your confidence. And you live one town over from them. He sees what books you like, what your beliefs are, what your hobbies are. He'll follow your posts (many sites make this very easy. PaganSpace makes this very easy.) and see what small details of your life he can find out. The names of your girls are Amy (7) and Suzie (5). Amy has a mild form of autism, and Suzie really misses her daddy since the divorce. Also he may read that the split was very stressful on all three of you, that maybe your ex was unfaithful or abusive, and from that they will gather that you maybe feel wounded.

Whatever the situation is, the predator is very patient. He's got 2 years to learn about you and gain your confidence before Amy is 9, which is the age he prefers, and then it's another 2 years for Suzie. BTW, he's seen the pictures you've posted of your girls on your page, and he thinks their beautiful. He thinks that in a couple of years Suzie will be quite the little hottie. (Note that this IS how pedophiles view children. They're not cute or adorable in their eyes, they're "hot" or they're "sexy". Remember, many of these are people who believe that children are capable of consenting to sex. Some believe that infants and toddlers are capable of consenting to sex.)

So he'll start posting in your blog, in the discussions you post in and the discussions you start. He'll add you to his friends list, and even though he posts blanket posts to his other friends, he'll make a special one just for you. He'll introduce himself as Alex (Note: I'm using this name simply because I don't know any Alexes... It could just as easily be Bill or Peter or anything.) He'll start complimenting you. He'll tell you how smart and pretty you are. He'll agree with you on just about everything. And he'll be very careful not to say anything that will put you off. He'll be everything you're looking for.

He'll email you his cell number in case you need to talk, because he knows how hurt you've been, how stressful life has been for you. He'll be the shoulder for you to cry on. He'll listen while you vent your frustration, offer small pieces of advice where your children are concerned (Amy is getting to be quite a handful, and you think maybe the divorce was harder on her than you originally thought. She really does need a male figure in her life.)

He'll take you out to dinner, buy you flowers, open doors for you, and push in your chair. He'll be the perfect gentleman. Your knight in shining armor. And he won't push the relationship further than you're comfortable with, because he's got time... probably at least a year and a half at this point.

He'll get along great with the girls. He's like a big kid around them. He talks to them at their level. And they've been so starved for fatherly love, because they only see their dad about once a month these days, they really seem to love this man. They hold his hand and hug him. They sit on his lap. You may have noticed that he puts his hand on their thigh, and felt mild discomfort, but you pushed it out of your mind because he's such a nice man and the girls seem to love him so... he would never do anything inappropriate. He's a gentleman. And he really seems to care for the girls.

You notice how he seems to gaze at the girls sometimes, but you convince yourself that it's a sort of surrogate fatherly love you see and nothing more. You notice how he strokes their hair or rubs their backs, but you do that, so you push any feelings of discomfort out of your mind.

By the time you've known him a year, he's picking the girls up from school or after-care and watching them for an hour or so before you get home from work. He starts work earlier than you, so he gets out a couple hours before you do. Everything seems fine, and this seems to work out well for you. He even starts dinner before you get home! It's a dream come true.

After about a year and a half (or less), he starts spending the night once or twice a week. You wake up to a pancake breakfast, and the girls love this. You've been considering asking him to move in. After all, it is pretty serious at this point, isn't it?

Soon, Amy starts behaving differently. It may be that she becomes more withdrawn, or that she starts acting out. She doesn't say much, and when she does, she no longer looks you in the eyes. She sometimes becomes violent and lashes out at you and at her sister. You mention this to Alex, and he listens and is supportive. He says he will have a talk with her. After all, the girls really seem to listen to him and adore him. Her behavior improves for a bit, and it really seems like he's a miracle worker. But she still seems withdrawn, and she still won't look you in the eyes. Come to think of it, even Suzie won't look you in the eyes these days. Are they angry with you?

You notice one day that Amy pulls her hand away from him. You ask her what is going on later, and she says "nothing", and looks frightened. She won't even look at you. You ask Alex what is going on, he says something about Amy being angry because he told her she was being hard on you. You accept this answer, but you've got an uneasy feeling. You push it out of your head, because you don't want to even consider what that could mean.

Predators can be very convincing. They can convince a child not to tell anyone what is happening to them. They can convince the child that they asked for it, and that their parents will be angry with them if they tell, that it is their fault. In some rare cases, they can even convince the child that they wanted it to happen. They can convince a parent that nothing is happening. And in a situation as put forth in the example above, where a single parent is just exhausted with work and parenting and life, it can be difficult to see a situation for what it is. Hell, predators can groom entire families.... multiple families, even. And they can be convincing in the best of circumstances. For a single parent who yearns for companionship, and really just needs a break now and then, it's hard not to be convinced that this person is a godsend.

So on to my reason for posting this: Parents, please, PLEASE be careful what you post about your children online. There are predators out there, searching. Many of them will see an opportunity that doesn't work for them for whatever reason (maybe you live in the wrong area, or you have a boy and they like girls, or the child is too old or too young) and they will post the information on one or more of their networking sites for other predators that the situation is more fitting for. This is called surrogate stalking, and it's done a lot more than you might think. There are even those who are not pedophiles who will collect information on children who are easy targets and sell it to pedophiles.

Don't post pictures of your children on websites! I've seen pages where parents gleefully posted the pictures of their child's bath time, or their child running sky-clad through the house after escaping bath time. Do you really want to imagine what pedophiles do with these pictures? They don't even have to be pictures of bath time. A child can be fully clothed, and a pedophile will just use their imagination. I've seen and read of pedophiles trolling YouTube for videos clips of children, which they then post to their pedo blogs and message boards for others to comment on. Even if the child is fully clothed, they will comment on them as if it were pornographic in nature.

Don't post any details about your children. I do realize this is difficult, but it's important. Don't post their names. Don't post where they go to school or daycare. Don't post the name of their wubby or their teddybear. And, especially if you're a single parent, don't post your specific location (state maybe OK, but don't post your town.) If anyone posts to you or emails you asking where you live, don't answer.

I do realize that this sounds a bit extreme. I mean, I put my town, and my son's age on my page. But I'm not likely to be courted by anyone in any case, let alone by a predator. It's fairly obvious by my page that they won't get anywhere, and the fact is that a single parent is just an easier target.

Now, please don't get me wrong. I'm not saying that a single parent is not as good a parent. That would be pure ignorance on my part. There are many fantastic single parents out there. I've known a few. But many do tend to be easier targets for those that would use them (for any number of things, including money, a place to live, or access to their children). So single parents do have to be more careful than parent couples, and certainly a lot more careful than single childless people. Because you have a responsibility to your child to protect them. You also have a responsibility to your child to protect yourself.

Brightest Blessings,
~ DodiaFae

[DodiaFae]

~**Violet Leaves**~ just posted this piece at , which reminded me of the piece I posted above. I wanted to make sure that all the single parents (not just moms), or single people with children in their family (nieces, nephews, etc.) are aware of, not only the tactics used by child predators where single people are concerned, but also their sick thought processes. Please read the above as well as the piece linked in this comment. The comments posted in that piece are sure to be interesting, as well.

Blessings,
~ DF